The Catalog of Good Deeds

As days get longer, the storms get stronger. When an individual begins his way, it seems to him that everything is easy, that he simply has to move forward with his head up and sing a merry song. However, complications begin to set in, and it seems to him that he probably chose the wrong way, or maybe he will not be able to pull through. Or maybe there is a different way, a shortcut, an easier and a more convenient one? And he begins to doubt and hesitate, although everything seemed so simple to him at first.

When an individual comes to God, everything seems simple to him, as if his life has changed and he became holy, and everyone should pay attention to what he says and God would always help him. Certainly, such delusions soon fade. Sometimes this disillusionment takes some time. The quicker it happens, the better, because a person who shows off and teaches everybody how to live with God may do a lot of harm. Many people might be shunned by it when they see or feel the falsehood, the bravado, and the slogans that have nothing to back them.

When the person faces his total inability, when he can no longer understand what to do because he sees that sin is ingrained in everything he does – surely, this feeling of one's own misery makes one sober. It must be sobering, not depressing. This is why we keep talking about balance, about the constant inner work that a believer should do to avoid being abused and beguiled by the enemy.

Sometimes our wrongdoings and mistakes are revealed to us. We should take a timely stop, not to deceive ourselves, and start everything over again.

During his lifetime, a Christian is in contact with a different and a new life, which is eternal. In spite of the fact that this life is different, we use the old maps, the old guidelines. It is this contradiction that tears an individual apart, attacks and ruins him. This is when the humble truly receive grace.

If an individual reconciles with himself, with his own infirmities, if he is patient and realises that he is, in fact, unworthy of anything and is unable to do anything on his own, life becomes easier for such a man. But when a person is infested with pride, when he is too enthusiastic and has too much energy, life is difficult for him. One needs to calm down, not to hurry, and not to make a fuss. It is this that can make one depressed: the thought that he wants to do everything but no one listens to him and no one needs his “spiritual” energy.

Human enthusiasm may be very self-devastating. This is why God's power is not made manifest in human power. If we take God's power and add up human power, we have two powers. It is surprising to see a weak man who is able to feel his guilt and to come closer to God. Such a person begins to see this world as it is in reality, even if imperfectly. His world outlook changes because his own opinion, moods and emotional states do not interfere with his vision.

I recall the late Novice Tamara. She used to be a very obstinate and quick-tempered person. Sometimes she used to say bad and cruel words to other people. She had got accustomed to it in the boarding home. However, she changed drastically when she got ill and suffered. She suddenly turned into a different personality – her words and her feelings were totally different. It was a positive transformation, when her old self with its “truths,” claims, and grievances died, and a new person who was humble and grateful to God, who accepted God's will and had everything in its right place was born at last. See what change there might be! It may be attributed to her illness, a certain shock.

The Bible says, I found trouble and sorrow, then called I upon the name of the Lord (Ps. 116:3-4). Should we all want to be ill? A person might say, “I'd rather be ill than sin.” No, we should not say so! We should take care of our health. However, this must not be a cult, an idol, for us. And at the same time we should do something that we can do. We do not need to guess what to do: there is a certain amount of work, duties, and a number of people around us. It is an unbroken field; we have so much to change and correct here!

Sometimes overcoming ourselves may be a difficult task. This is because we are usually infected with sin, and the sin shows the human “truth” to us, due to which, of course, we cannot see God's Providence, humility and long-suffering of the Lord, and therefore we judge wrongly and do inaccurate estimations. This is because we choose ourselves as the point of reference.

If any man will come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow Me (Luke 9:23). How can we deny ourselves? You see, if we don't, we will go in the wrong direction. How can we deny ourselves? Is it something we can do using our own power? Of course, not. Nevertheless, in Christianity the law of nature is reverted. See what the Holy Spirit says through the Apostle: There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither bond nor free, there is neither male nor female: for ye are all one in Christ Jesus (Cf. Gal.3:28). All are alive unto God: Christ is risen, and there are no more dead in the graves. There are no more dead, but we are dead, and it is very hard for us to come back to life because we are used to a lethargic and relaxed kind of life that is based on egoism and whims. Such a person will not make it to the Kingdom of God, of course.

God's love is what we need to get through to the eternity. Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden (Matthew 11:28). It means that the Lord does not restrict salvation to a certain age or abilities – all ye that labour, come unto Him. It seems that all have equal conditions and can work.

When someone comes to me asking, “What should I do?” I reply, “Do anything you can but do it eagerly, attentively, with love and humility.” You need not stand on your head or travel to the jungle. Take a cloth and wash the floor until it is clean – and this will be a holy deed, once you do it with prayer and humility...

“What should I do? How can I be saved?” As if it were a mystery! Do not judge anyone and thank God for everything. Do not trust the sin that dwells inside you. Again, we ought to triumph over ourselves and our opinions. We should trample down on our egoism. We all know too well what we should do but we are not determined enough to do it. This is why we blame someone else, try to justify ourselves by circumstances, try to say that we are not ready yet... We are looking for someone and something to blame, and the enemy is glad to use it as he pleases.

People are not bad but each one convinces himself that he is right and is eager to see the wrongdoings of others. As a result, there are misunderstandings and mistrust, there is no unity and divine peace that the Lord gives to all of us.

There are different moments in our lives. The sin lives inside us and reminds us of its presence all the time. There are the moments of grace when the Lord covers all and we are vibrant and feel good, like the Apostles on Mount Tabor: “It is good for us to be here” (Cf. Luke 9:33). However, when temptation comes, we may say, “I do not know anything, I have nothing to do with it, leave me alone, don't touch me!”

This is why creation of anything in this world is a difficult task. It is a difficult task even to create a family. How many of real families where people serve and obey one another, where they love and stay focused on one another are there? If we manage to find one such family, it is a miracle! It is even more meaningless to talk about the Sisterhood and the Convent because each person has his own version of the world, which is hostile to alternative opinions and visions. “I believe in my own right more than in anything else.” If we want to be united, we need God.

The Church is the unity, the unassailable institution, which the gates of hell will not prevail against, because Christ loves us, because the Church is based on love, on the love of Christ towards man. We leave this love without an answer because we do not hold it in high esteem and are accustomed to it. This love does not diminish, and even where sin multiplies, grace is over-abundant (Cf. Romans 5:20). The Lord does not ask us, “Do you deserve my love or not?” He asks, “Do you want my love?”

God does not compel us to love him. We live thanks to God's mercy and thanks to His love, which unites us today regardless of all the sins that must have already separated us from each other. We see individuals who give in to their personal vision and personal opinion and go astray. They decide that their truth is the truest, that their opinion is right, but it is a mistake. When will that person see that it is a mistake? He may not see it until the end of his days or he may be able to see it soon enough.

It is so sad to hear about destruction... You hear confessions, and young people come and tell you about the devil ruining families and making people angry with one another. He manages to do the most horrible thing: close relatives become enemies because of material wealth, inheritance, accommodation, etc. How dreadful it is! How cheaply one can sell himself, how insane he may be! It happens everywhere all the time.

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When you hear about it constantly, your happiness and optimism gradually evaporates. At the same time, we must realise that this is transient and superficial. We should talk about the source of life, the joy that is present and active in this world and defeats it. Sometimes it is invisible to the human eye, and we need faith and trust in God in order to see it. We should deny ourselves, our opinions, and our vision of the current situation.

If a person humbles himself down and listens to advice, it is good; sometimes he does not do it and does not want to hear anything. Sadly, all this may be masked by pseudo-Orthodox ideology. It may even become absurd sometimes. The “Orthodox” person does not notice his neighbour who is suffering nearby – the latter is low on his priority list. The pseudo-Orthodox thinks that he must solve global issues. Things like that also happen all the time. It does not sound too optimistic but we must not lose hope and faith.

We should help one another, support one another, and bear each other's burdens in order not to fall and not to lose connection with God. Our common prayer and meetings are useful, perhaps, but not at all times. Some moments are delightful, some sad, and some really stressful. This is what life is all about, and we should continue to live, gain new experience, turn new pages of our life, and draw conclusions from them so that we would not be mistaken and deceived by sin, which may sometimes appear to be more trustworthy than the words of the Lord.

Our journey continues, and we attempt to find something, to explore something in our everyday lives. Most importantly, God is near. Our lives and the lives of our relatives are in His hands, not in the hands of an accident, fortune, or coincidences of some sort or another. Everything is controlled by God.

It was a misty morning in the city of N. An elderly nun was getting nervous as she looked at the clock on the wall of the hotel hall. Guests were late. Her eyes were watering from strain but she could hardly see the road through the gray fog.

- Mother Salomia, why are you so nervous? Your guests will come soon, what else would they do? – Andrew chuckled, as he was chewing his sandwich.

Lida looked at her husband and sighed,

- Why are you pestering Mother Salomia? She worries about others, unlike you.

A bus came in view round the bend. Nun Salomia ran outside, and the newly-weds looked at the newcomers out of the window with interest.

Pilgrims entered the hall of The Ancyra in just a couple of minutes. Lida figured out that there were eight of them: an elderly couple, two mums with kids, a dwarfish old man who looked as if he were 100, and a girl wearing a miniskirt and high-heeled shoes. Nun Salomia smiled cheerfully as she was telling the pilgrims about the life at the guesthouse.

– We are like one big family. The Pilgrim's House has four floors. We almost never have spare rooms. This is understandable because so many people want to visit our convent. I have been on obedience here for five years already. Please feel free to contact me anytime with all your questions! We will find some work for everyone who wishes to take part in the daily life of the convent, so I hope that your stay here will be useful for your soul. Now let me introduce myself. I am Nun Salomia, and they – Nun Salomia pointed at the young couple – are Andrew and Lida. You will get to know the rest of our guests a little bit later.

The guests introduced themselves one by one. The old man was the only one who kept silent. Andrew looked at him closely with growing interest, and soon he was unable to contain his curiosity:

– Well, Grandpa, what's your name?

– Micah, - the pilgrim replied and frowned.

– So you are Michael? – Lida wondered.

- No, I am not Michael. My name is Micah! – the old man retorted, and everyone could see that the old man had a character!

There was a tradition at The Ancyra to read the morning and evening prayers in turn. There was a small iconostasis on every floor, and the pilgrims gathered for prayer at one and the same time. The newcomers joined in the prayer today. Only the old Micah and Ruslan were missing. Ruslan was a so called “deviant youth” who had been forced by his mother to come to the convent. The boy was brought up by the single mother, and by the time he was fourteen, he was absolutely out of control. It was evident that this pilgrimage was unlikely to be beneficial for him. Ruslan did not want to attend the services, he shunned work and skipped the prayer rule most of the time. Frankly speaking, there was only one place where the boy could sit for hours, not thinking about anything, just gazing at the beauty of the sky full of stars. One day, when he was wandering around the building of the guesthouse, he noticed that the door leading to the attic was unlocked. The windows were shut and fastened with planks, making it impossible for anyone to get out onto the roof, but the attic itself was much more interesting than the rest of the guesthouse. Ruslan found a small ramshackle stool in a pile of old stuff and began to use it as a table. He had used to take his dinner into his room, despite his mother’s protests, and then eat it secretly in the attic, gazing out of the window at the black sky, when everyone went to the prayer rule.

However, today the privacy of the youth was violated. The old Micah appeared at the door. He gave the boy a stern look, saw the empty plate and quickly got the grasp of the situation. He grumbled,

– Done?

Ruslan was embarrassed but soon pulled himself up. He rose up from the floor and perked up his head,

– Yeah. So what?

– If you’re done with your meal, get out of here, I’m going to pray.

The boy paused for a moment, searching for the most appropriate answer, and then snorted,

– No way! I was the first to come here.

The old man did not say anything. He approached the window, yanked the curtain and sighed when he figured out that it was closed. Ruslan smirked,

– You wanted to climb onto the roof, didn’t you?

– Yes, I always pray on the roof at home. Okay, dude, stop jabbering. If you don’t want to leave, don’t interrupt me, or else I’ll send you down the ladder.

Ruslan was somehow convinced that the old man wasn’t joking.

The old Micah made the sign of the cross and started mumbling the Our Father. He finished one prayer, took a short breath and started the same prayer all over again. At first, Ruslan thought that the old man forgot what he had prayed about but soon realised that he wouldn’t be hearing any other prayer from the old man. After about forty minutes, Micah stopped, made the sign of the cross and slowly dragged himself to the door. The boy was consumed with curiosity,

– Hey, wait! Why did you read just one prayer?

– I don’t know any other prayer.

– How can that be? Aren’t you Orthodox?

He saw that he could not expect an explanation from the old man.

– Why do you pray on the roof?

– I am closer to God because of that, – the old man shrugged his shoulders and vanished in darkness.

Ruslan sat by the window for a while and went to his room.

Three days passed. The old man would pray in the attic every day, and the boy would sit in the corner and watch him. It seemed to Ruslan that there was a mystery of some sort. The old man was certainly unusual! A normal believer could never be seriously convinced that the higher you climb, the closer to God you get! Stranger yet was the fact that he did not know any prayers, except for the Our Father.

A sudden blow for the entire guesthouse happened on the fourth day. Someone stole Lida's purse. Not that there was a lot of money, but that was not the case... The woman saw her acquaintance and left the purse on the table in the hall. While they were having a chat, the purse disappeared. Who could have taken it? All the pilgrims were taken aback.

While everyone discussed the theft, the old Micah climbed the stairs to the attic as usual. Ruslan would always be waiting for him there. They did not talk with one another all that time. Each one did his own job — the old man prayed, and the youth watched. However, something was different this time. The old man suddenly ordered the youth:

– Get up, let's pray.

The youth did not raise his eyes.

– Can you hear me? Get up.

Ruslan rose to his feet obediently, which was surprising even to himself. For some reason, he did not want to show his teeth or argue.

Micah read the Our Father once and was about to leave.

“Are you done with your prayers?” The boy wondered.

“Yes, I am. I have something to do downstairs.”

Ruslan was curious what the weird and unsociable old man was going to do and followed him.

The old Micah went to each of the four groups of praying people and said one and the same phrase to each group, “It was me who stole the purse. Forgive me a sinner.” People silently made the sign of the cross and started whispering to one another only after he left them. Ruslan witnessed all that from a distance, and acute pain pierced his heart. The boy could not sleep the following night. In the morning, he went to the church voluntarily for the first time since he came to the convent.

Micah was standing next to him in the queue for confession. They did not utter a single word to one another.

The boy stood in front of the analogion and whispered, “I stole the purse. Lord, forgive me!” Micah came for the confession right after him. The old man sighed heavily and articulated distinctly, “I repent of lying.” The priest was waiting for the continuation but the old man said dismissively, “I cannot recognise any other sins in my heart.”

The old man would pray in the attic every day, and the boy would sit in the corner and watch him. It seemed to Ruslan that there was a mystery of some sort. The old man was certainly unusual! A normal believer could never be seriously convinced that the higher you climb, the closer to God you get! Stranger yet was the fact that he did not know any prayers, except for the Our Father.

A story by Natallia Klimova

We have been to another century, another dimension today. The Liturgy is boundless… We cannot limit it to human things, be they a chord or a unique way of singing. The Church is eternal life, and Liturgy is eternal life, too. Everyone wants to sing his tune but we have to make sure that sin does not silence it.

If we start to think about our life in earnest, it will change. How will it change? We should calculate exactly what we can or cannot do. We always go for extremes — either nothing or everything. This maximalism stems from pride. «A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush», people say. This is why we need to see our measure and find our tune in this choir. We should sing louder than the world that resonates inside us through passions, desires, seemingly correct assumptions and feelings. In fact, these sounds are too human, too transient. We should sing in an Angel-like manner. Does anyone know how Angels sing? Do they use Byzantine or Russian or English or American chant? Angels sing when God is with us, when there is peace inside our hearts, when we have truly repented and made up our minds to lead a different life — to live with God.

There is a frightening story in the Gospel: the young man's decent and clean life wasn't enough for him to be able to follow in the footsteps of Christ. We all carry such a young man inside our souls.

It is easy for a person who faces critical situations to pray. Archimandrite John Krestyankin used to recall, «I prayed a lot in jail but after that, my prayer became less zealous». When an individual finds himself on the verge between life and death, when he realises that his chances to survive are slim, that's when true prayer begins. Right now, we are simply getting ready for it, learning words, reciting them, sometimes even attentively, but that's not enough. Every cell of one's body, one's entire heart, has to be involved in prayer, and that's when mountains start to move, indeed. Prayer is the ultimate stretching of one's power. If only everyone prayed like that during the Liturgy, our church would be lifted up into the sky.

Do you happen to believe that this church will last forever? No, everything will disappear. We should not attach ourselves to any of the earthly things. The soul of a human, his body where God's grace abides, where God dwells, is that church. Therefore, our task is to sing the Cherubic hymn correctly by laying aside all earthly cares, by being alone face to face with God the King and praising him together with Angels. We find this notion in our worship, where we are invited to praise God with one mouth and one heart. We have to love each other and be unanimous. We have to leave this church with peace and carry Christ in our hearts. Is it easy when there's sin inside us, when we are self-loving and proud?

Orthodoxy is the real life where we have to notice our neighbour and greet him with a kind word. This life must not be an abstract philosophy or asceticism of sorts. Sometimes a drunkard is closer to God than a proud ascetic. The Good Thief did not say like the young man, «What lack I yet?» He was dying for his sins — his terrible sins — but he found himself in the paradise. The young man, on the contrary, was pure and enjoyed it, and he thought, «I’ve done everything and now I expect to hear that I am welcome in the Kingdom of Heaven». However, it turned out that he wasn’t yet ready to follow Christ.

So when I crawl and not walk, when I say that it’s all over now and I’m worthless, I’m the worst of all people, the most sinful, most filthy of them all, then will the words «Many that are first shall be last; and the last shall be first» (cf. Matthew 19:28-30) come true. God turns the pyramid upside down, and we don’t know what to prefer: to suffer from the sin or to be proud of ourselves.

We haven’t started to sing the Cherubic song yet. It is waiting for us. Let’s get ready. Don’t sing high notes or you’ll strain your voice. I can attest to it: on the night of Pascha I sometimes want to sing so loudly as to make my voice heard to everyone, but it may be pride. You sing too high and you start to husk. You should sing lower notes if you plan to keep singing. Life’s no different. Father Sophrony used to say, «A person who begins with small feats, ends up with prayer for the whole world; but a person who begins with great feats, ends up with an empty drum».

Great saints did not see themselves as saints but those who want to show off keep saying that they are holy. A highly spiritual man says that he is the most sinful person. How beautiful it is! You don’t need anything else.

I spent a lot of time with Father Nicholas Gurianov. I remember him telling me, «Why have you come here? You’re wasting your time and money! You’ve got a family to care for». There were other people who invited me to visit them, «Come to me, I’m a prophet, I’m a man of prayer». Publicity — that was what they wanted. However, when you see a humble person, this is the most beautiful thing of all. When a person feels that he’s unworthy, God dwells inside him. When a person feels that he’s a hero, there’s nothing inside him but pride. That is why it is so essential to live with God and not to build castles in the air, not to be mesmerised. We should lead a simple life so that we would have «a hundred Angels around us». We don’t have to invent anything — we have everything we need: all we have to do is to be attentive and cautious. We should look carefully and see our neighbours.

A wife comes and says, «My husband is so terrible, I can’t get saved with him». Imagine, how dreadful! A nun comes and says, «Things are so bad in our monastery, everyone is so bad: the abbess is bad, and the spiritual father is even worse...» Everything is bad for a person who does not possess the Holy Spirit: the church is bad, priests are bad, the patriarch is bad, the government is bad, the prices are bad, the health is bad, the flat is bad. However, when the Holy Spirit enters that person’s soul, he begins to say, «Everyone is good, just remarkably good». Our way of looking at things defines the world around us. We see what we look at (cf. Matthew 6:22, 23). Some people are short-sighted, while others are far-sighted. The far-sighted can see everything that is far but they cannot see things that are right in front of them. The short-sighted see themselves but they cannot see people and objects that are far from them. We have to restore our eyesight to be able to see both near and far. You can move mountains but your family will suffer. Who needs your feats if anyone of your loved ones is about to perish?

Therefore, we should take our time to think, we should be in tune with the life. The tune of our lives is a permanent thought, a constant movement of our heart and soul looking for God. Where is God? How can I lose him? You can lose contact with God for a single word or a single thought; and then you'll come across lots of torment and suffering. So let us think hard, let us learn to think and to see what is right and what is wrong.

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